Posted by: Amanda Taylor | November 7, 2012

Blocks of Words

I’ve wanted to update this thing for the last few days.  You know what has stopped me?  Pictures.  Yeah, that’s right.  Pictures.  I feel that a blog is boring unless I can give you, my two readers, pictures to look at to make it through.

Blocks of words = boring.  Pictures = Oooh, fun!

I hate to disappoint.

Truth is, I need to get this out there.  I need to know that maybe, just maybe, these words (without pictures…) will touch someone.  Will bring joy or peace to someone, if even for a second.

When I started volunteering at Camp, I got it.  I got the love.  I got the joy.  I got the great feeling.  I kept my name tag hanging in my car.  I took time off when I moved away. It has been within the last 2 years or so, that I have really started to “get” camp.  One of the things that gets me the most is spreading love to others.  Giving a sense of HOPE to those around me, that may never drive down Brantley Branch Road.  Since then, I strive to do that. It makes me happy.  The simple words, “You are Loved” gives me great pleasure to share.  Sharing “HOPE” with others, brings happiness to my life.  Not, I’m happy because I had yummy food for lunch and my favorite show is on TV tonight…but pure and simple, yet fulfilling, happiness.

Make my world like CBC.

I have been feeling horrible lately.  (Insert list of complaints, I am so sorry.) I took my GRE for graduate school.  The stress of it all has put me in a stand still.  Applications are due in January.  I haven’t done anything further.  Disappointed in myself to say the least.  What is holding me back? Why am I scared?  What am I waiting for? This is what I have always wanted, right? I have been sick.  Started off with a cold/flu.  I let it ride out because I just couldn’t afford or stand to see another doctor bill on my kitchen table.  I got better and then BAM sick again within 2 weeks.  This time, the stuff that didn’t hurt before hurts now.  I am struggling to breathe.  I am burning up and freezing cold. I am trying to eat soup. I spent all day yesterday with doctors. I am discouraged.  I don’t have any adoptions for National Adoption Day coming up next week.  Am I letting my kids down?  Am I am terrible adoption worker and all of my kids are going to just “age out”.  I have not been exercising like I should (could be the fact that I don’t enjoy turning blue or the inability to breathe) but I need fresh air. I need to get out.  My Christmas box (or boxes) are ready to come out of the closet but I dread one stocking, no elf, this Christmas.  Oh the tears.
Was that enough? Are you wishing for a picture yet?  Truth is, I just feel “down”.  I feel like I have a lot going for me but I am being held back.  Not by any one person.  Not by any person, except myself.  You know those big ugly tears?

The ones that come with the snot?

The choking and coughing?

The ones where your cats (or kids, if that’s how you roll) look at you like you are off your rocker?

Yeah, that’s been me in the last two days.  Little things.

Oh a picture of a Winnie the Pooh quote.

Ugly cry.

Oh, this antibiotic tastes horrible and I don’t want lung x-rays.

Ugly cry.

I was going to start organizing grad school stuff by 5 PM yesterday.  I haven’t.

Ugly cry.

A post of a beautiful youtube video today.  https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=nj2ofrX7jAk

(Hey, it isn’t a picture.  but watch it!)

Cry.  But it wasn’t ugly. I thanked the beautiful woman that posted it and promptly grabbed a blanket and went outside.

I needed to see beauty.  I needed something positive in my life. At that moment, I realized, maybe I feel so “yuck” because I haven’t been looking for beauty.  I haven’t been filling other people with that love and happiness that I love giving.  I have been focused on negative around me and in me.  With the bickering on facebook due to the elections, the stress at work, the sickness – I have filled my heart with gross stuff.  I haven’t been me and I’ve somehow lost myself on a long, narrow road (hoping I don’t see armadillos).

Then, THEN!  I got a message on facebook.

Amanda

Praying that tomorrow will be better for you. You deserve the BEST
CRY!  But not ugly cry.  A cry that says, Amanda – you know who you are.  You know where you want to go and where you need to be.  This sickness can’t beat you.

It may make you hurt.

It may make you feel disgusting.

It wont beat you.

Don’t worry about pictures.  Get on your blog and type.

Tell the special people in your life that you love them.  Tell someone something today that will make them smile.  Take a deep breath, look at the sunrise and that crazy person (must be from Canada) walking in a bathing suit on the beach.

So, my friends, if you have read this far.  Thank you.  You are very loved.  I care about you a lot.  I hope that, if not today, at sometime recently, I have brought you some type of happiness to your life.

Do me a favor tomorrow, k?

At some time tomorrow, just stop.

It could be on your morning commute.

During your lunch break.

While the kids are screaming for dinner.

For one minute, just stop, and look.  Look at the beauty that is around your life.  Think of how lucky you are to be alive.  To be healthy.  To have someone in your life that cares about you and that loves you.  To look at this beautiful and crazy life.  And smile (then return to pulling your hair out, shouting at drivers, eating lunch way too fast – just kidding, I hope the peace can last for more than a minute).  You deserve it and it does wonders for the soul.

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Responses

  1. LOVE YOU *HUG*S YOu are LOVED and everything will be OK I know it doesn;t seem like it now BUT MOMMA knows

    • Be patient…..feel better and always remember that you are surrounded by many who love you unconditionally!

  2. Listen to your Momma!! You are loved very much….you are so easy to love. You are a wonderful person and bring happiness to so many people. The kids are very lucky to have you on their side.

  3. You are loved… even when you are dripping snot and have strep throat breath.


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