Posted by: Amanda Taylor | April 18, 2012

The Selfish Being

I have needed to go to the grocery store for over a week at this point.  I have found ways out of it.  I either go get something, eat something frozen, make a protein shake, or just go to bed and forget about dinner all together.  I just hate grocery shopping for one.  Almost as much as I hate laundry.  Tonight, I was going to put it off again.  I am going away this weekend and didn’t want to buy a bunch of food that was going to just get wasted.  Then I realized that my cat needed food.  Thank goodness I love the little furball.  I had to decide what I wanted to eat.  I really couldn’t.  I decided to make spaghetti.  As I was crossing the street to the condo, I decided I would go for a run, clean the living room, and then eat.  I then thought of how nice it was to be able to do things on my time.  To be able to eat when I wanted to or just not to eat at all.  It’s nice not to have to worry about what others will like or being expected to have dinner ready every night.

I am still getting used to this whole being by myself thing.  Of course, there are still times I hate it.  Night time is usually the worst. Sometimes it’s nice just to have someone there to talk to or watch TV all night with (in my case, fall asleep while watching TV).  I also like having someone there in case a crazy person breaks in and tries to get me.

But I like being able to leave shoes around the house for a day or so, go to bed at 9 PM or 2 AM, sing really loud in the shower (or in the kitchen, living room, bedroom, etc), sit on the porch and read, cry whenever I want, write with no distractions, be completely lazy and no one know, or write down my goals and smile because I’m so excited even though no one can see me.

Tonight, when I decided to cook, I really attempted to just cook for me.  I have a hard time not making food for an entire army.  It felt so good being simple (I used jar sauce!!).  Last night, I bought a new LED shirt for camp, LED shoe laces, and a steam cleaner.  I also ordered some shoes.  I have spent more money on me and things I need then I think I ever have.  It is nice finally stepping back and just doing things for me.  Thinking about me.

It is hard and really it is the first time that I have ever done this.  I always put others first.  I always do whatever anyone else wants to do.  I give and give and give.  It’s been hard to say, “It’s okay, you can do whatever YOU want” but I am getting used to it.  It’s hard to be selfish, but maybe I don’t need to see it as that?  I am not sure.  I still tend to feel guilty when I tell people “No” or choose to do my own thing.

Every day is getting a bit better.  Of course, one day, I want to cook for someone again.  I want to share moments with someone again.  I want to “have” to be home at a certain time.  But not right now . I want to do me.  Call me selfish if you wish but it’s what I need.

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