Posted by: Amanda Taylor | March 27, 2011

Run

The weather is perfect.  It’s not too hot and there is a nice breeze coming from the ocean.  I don’t take the time to stretch.  I just go.  The salty air stings my already chapped lips.  I don’t know how far I’m going to go.  I just want to run.

I pass the spring breakers, throwing Frisbees near a group of girls to give them a reason to talk.  I pass little kids splashing in the water without a care in the world.  I pass old couples walking hand in hand. I pass runners like me and I wonder if they are trying to clear their mind.  Like  me.

The waves crash.  I feel at ease.  It’s the first time I have felt a sense of peace in weeks.  I start to wonder my purpose. I start to question why.  All of the advice runs through my mind.  Move on.  You don’t need that.  Write your own history.  Don’t give up on something that you believe in.  It will work out.  Let go.

I start to think about myself.  I don’t need to look for someone.  I am ready for him to find me.  It will happen. Just give it time and don’t force it.  My day will come.  I think of my friends.  It seems everyone is in love. Everyone has found “that one”.  Why not me?  What am I doing wrong?  I know I can be independent and I can make it on my own, but it doesn’t mean I want to.  I’m 25.  What do I want?  What do I need? I always thought things would be different for me at 25. Not like this.

The tears fill my eyes.  I blink fast.  I run harder. Don’t think.  Just run.

I make up my mind to let things happen as they will.  I make up my mind to respect myself and maintain my dignity, because when it comes down to it, all you have is you.

My legs start to hurt.  My breathing is getting heavier.  I push on because I’d much rather feel this pain then the pain I have felt recently.  I turn around and head home.  I start to feel the same, now almost constant feeling of anxiety and hurt.  I don’t want things to be this way.

I get closer to home.  I collapse in the sand and let the water cool me down.  I wish I could just let go.

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