Today I cried in the grocery store. It was right by the section of Honey. I felt it building up each time I read a label, each item I saw that I couldn’t take off the shelf. And then it hit me…I forgot to google honey when I made my grocery list and I had no cell phone service in the store. I couldn’t believe I was standing there crying.
Last week I had an upper and lower scope to figure out some of my stomach issues. I had my gall bladder out at 18. I had my first scope at 19. I have suffered with gross stomach stuff for a long, long time. When I woke up from the procedure, the doctor told me he was 99% sure I had Celiac Disease and he was shocked it was not found back then.
He had suspected it before the procedure and I had thought on and off about it. However, the minute he told me that 99% number, I have been…to say the least….overwhelmed.
I find out the final results on the 18th. I keep thinking, there is that 1% change that I do not have it, right? Is that 1% big enough to give me some hope and maybe I can get lucky? But I want an answer, not just a “we aren’t sure what is wrong.”
It keeps sinking in more and more. I have been told, “Well, just still eat what you want.” To me, a gluten intolerance is like a big, gooey pimple right on your face. It’s uncomfortable and then it goes away. Celiacs is having that big, gooey pimple show up right before a first date with the man of your dreams and you get a deep, gut-wrenching (no pun intended) feeling that it’s the worst fate ever and that he will stare at it all night or probably just “take an emergency call” and leave in the middle of dinner. Continuing to eat gluten would be like me smoking cigarettes when I have the worst imaginable lung cancer there is. I can’t just eat tiny bits of it. There are no cheat days.
It is not going to go away. It is a lifestyle change. It is an actual sickness. I have poured over the internet since last week. It’s probably not the best thing. Statistics run rampant; 10% have infertility, 70% that go untreated will get intestinal cancer, 1% of the population has CD, and if you have it there is a big chance that someone in your immediate family also has it. Side note, those aren’t the exact numbers I have seen, just close to them. As I mentioned, I have looked at 2.1 million websites in the last 5 days and everything runs together . To me it really looks like “You will never have kids and if you eat a taco again you will get cancer”. I know it is catastrophizing. I know there are a ton of gluten free food items now (I wont talk about how absurdly overpriced they are), that restaurants are more aware, that it isn’t a death sentence.
Bur right now, I feel overwhelmed. I want to go to Publix again and walk down the aisles and grab my normal stuff. I don’t want to have to read every label looking for one of the several ingredients that might be hidden in a seemingly safe box of comforting hot chocolate. I read somewhere that I have to revamp my kitchen, getting all new utensils and cookware incase little glutens are hidden in cracks and crevices. I have to check chewing gum even! Cross contamination is apparently a big deal. Who knew?
I am just tired of being sick. It always seems like if it isn’t one thing, it’s another with me.
I know this is a terribly pity party post. I never knew you could grieve food, but I am realizing it is more of the change and the frustration of always being sick.
I’m thankful for the supportive people that I have talked to so far and know that they are going to be the ones that help me get through this. This will not turn into a healthy eating, gluten free blog, ‘cause I ain’t got time for that. But tonight I needed to vent. And thank you for letting me. To those of you that are honest with me about it being hard, thank you. To those of you that have just messaged me to see how I’m feeling, thank you.
Of course, until the 18th, I will be holding onto that 1%. If I fall into that category, I’ll delete this post and go have fried fish tacos for dinner.