There is always….dessert?

I laughed when I got my dessert.  I thought, “Hey, that’s true! Life can stink big time, but there is always dessert!”

That is until I walked away and Atticus ate half of it.  Oh well, there is always hope, too!

My posts on here are generally upbeat, silly, and not really personal.  There’s something that stops me.  Maybe I don’t want people to see how vulnerable I can be or I just want to let people assume that I am happy, that I’m okay, that I’m taking their advice and loving every minute of life.

Atticus is a hoarder, he keeps all kinds of toys and other findings under my bed.  Tonight, I decided I really needed to clean.  I did the kitchen first and was just going to do some quick dusting in the living room.  I cleaned my tables and TV stand and then looked at the big mirror that is my wall in the living room.  I have looked at it a million times since being back.  I have looked at it and haven’t touched it. I didn’t clean it because I was holding on to little bitty hand prints that smudged the surface.

Hand prints that I can remember being made while she ate her sandwiches and stole my banana peppers.  She loved turning around and watching herself chew.  Hand prints that were left when she walked on the back of the couch.  Hand prints that were made when she’d come in from a long day of swimming and talk to herself in that mirror.  Little bitty, cute, Izzy hand prints.  I finally wiped them off today.

You see, I never imagined that I would one day not have those little hand prints coming back every week.  I never imagined that once I would clean them, they just wouldn’t reappear.   I never imagined that I would hear kids screaming and laughing down at the pool and it wouldn’t be her.  I never imagined that I could love a little girl so much, even though she wasn’t mine.

Cleaning up has been hard.  I find little hair bows, gummy dinosaurs, and stickers that I meant to give her.  I see pictures and memories in every corner of every room.  She loved napping on my bed.  She always seemed to sleep for hours there, unless Chance was in there.  She never liked to nap with him in the room.  I remember her doing head stands in the dining room, and us doing projects on the coffee table.  I remember the cushions that we would put together that made a perfect little Izzy bed.

I guess people warned me about the perils of dating someone that had children.  And even now they tell me to write my own history, have my own kids, that she wasn’t mine.  It’s just hard.  Since before I can remember, all I ever wanted to do was be a mom.  I wanted to take care of kids.  I wanted to love them, play with them, care for them, do whatever I could.  I did that for her.  I made sacrifices, I hugged her, I taught her to tie her shoe, caught her on camera the first time she skipped, held her when she was sick at night, watched her Pre-K Graduation, and would sometimes just sit back and watch her and her Pa Pa.    I loved her sweet giggles and her hugs before bed time.  I loved watching her grow, knowing that although she wasn’t mine I was having an impact on how she lived, what she learned, and how she grew.  Maybe it was a small impact, maybe it was a big impact, I’m not sure. I just did what I could.

It’s hard knowing that I’ve lost that. I know I have to let go. I know one day “Chocolatey” and Superman Ice Cream will make me smile instead of crying.  I know one day I’ll smile when I think about how awesome she was, but right now I cry.  I cry because I miss her.  I cry because I loved her more than I ever thought I could love a little person.  I cry because she brought so much joy, laughter, and sunshine into my life.

I don’t really know how long the hurt will last.  I don’t really know how to just “let go” and trust that tomorrow things will be okay.  i don’t know how to not be angry sometimes or not wish that I was waking up at 6:30 in the morning to put cute bows in her hair.  All I do know is I miss her.  She taught me so much about selfless love, being a kid, having fun, and dinosaurs

I know she’ll think of me when she sees the things we made in her room or maybe she’ll remember when we climbed to the top of a mountain (with only the bribe of her getting as many pieces of gum she wanted for the day).  Maybe it’s selfish that I want her to think about me.  I want her to keep doing our silly little dances and singing Party In The USA.  I don’t want her to hurt.  I don’t want her to miss me.  I want her to be happy.  I want her to grow.  I want her to be the amazing little lady that I know she will grow up to be.  I want her to believe in love.

I can’t hang on to smudgy hand prints on my mirror or little girl hair bows.  I wish I could but I know I can’t.  When is it okay to let go?  When does it get easier? I don’t want to hear, “She has a mom”.  I never tried to be her mom, but I couldn’t help but love her like she was mine.  I don’t want to hear I told you so.  I never imagined it would be this hard, hell, I never imagined that I would be typing this.  Something really special happened between me and her.  Something that I’ll never, ever regret.  So, don’t tell me I told you so.

I love that girl more than anyone will ever imagine.  I loved being her “MyAmandy” and she was my “Izzy Doodle”.  I just miss her so much but I am thankful that she came into my life, even if just for a little while.

Acting like dinosaurs.  Dinosaur kisses.

I love you Izzy Doodle.

What would I do without Pinterest?  I’d probably bring something super boring to our family Easter get together tomorrow.  I was volunteered to bring bread.  BREAD!  My family has a lot of faith in my cooking skills!!  My Mamaw has a wonderful mexican cornbread recipe that I figured I would do.  Ha, bread…I’ll show them!   Well, I can’t find the recipe and Mamaw is in Canada so I searched the web trying to find a recipe that would be a bit like hers.  I used about a million three recipes and came out with something very delicious.  I just hope it is still good tomorrow.

Manda’s Mexican Cornbread

In a large mixing bowl or pot if you have a cruddy break up and can never seem to find any of your kitchen supplies, spices, etc mix 1 cup of melted butter.  Okay.  Wait.  About the butter.  I love Paula Deen.  I really do.  You aren’t eating the entire pan in one sitting by yourself.  Well, that’s my advice.  You will share it with people and maybe have it a couple times so the butter is split up into lots of little servings.  Okay, so back to the insane amount of melted goodness.  Mix the butter with one cup of sugar.

*Side note:  I was cooking a dessert recipe after this and accidentally mixed powder sugar instead of the other kind of sugar in. I had to start over…all that butter wasted

When that is good and mixed add four eggs.  After that is mixed, drain and add a 4 oz can of diced chile peppers.  I also added about a fourth of a cup of diced bell pepper and a can of cream style corn.  Then add 1 cup of Cheddar Jack cheese.  It should look like this.

In a seperate bowl, stir together 1 cup of flour, 1 cup of yellow cornmeal, 4 teaspoons of baking powder, and a pinch of salt.  When all of that is mixed up add to your bowl.  Pour into a greased baking pan (I had a 9 x 13).

Bake at 300 degrees for 1 hour.

So, while that was baking I washed the dishes and got ready for my second meal.  This is why I love Pinterest.  I would have no clue about what else to bring so I saw an idea of Strawberry Cheesecake Bites.  Her pictures are way more appetizing than mine.  Here’s how I did them.  I got two pounds of strawberries and hollowed them out.  This was difficult. Several of them were thrown away eaten because I have never used a paring knife.

In my Ninja I mixed a block of 1/3 less fat cream cheese, 1 tsp of vanilla extract, and 4 tbsp of powdered sugar.

I put the mixture in a zip lock bag  and cut the corner.  I started filling up the strawberries.

I then put them in a smaller container so I could sit them upright.  I then sprinkled crushed graham cracker cookie stuff (I’m not a baker…) on the top of them.

These were the extras that didn’t fit into my other container so I ate them for dinner.  Do not judge me!!  As soon as I wrapped up the other ones and put them in the fridge for tomorrow, my timer beeped for my cornbread.

Two very yummy recipes!  I am excited about going to see my family tomorrow, eating lots of yummy food, and watching the kids hunt Easter eggs.  It’s always a good time!  If my family is reading, please eat my food tomorrow and do not hurt my feelings.  Thanks!

Happy Easter Ya’ll!

I have never thought of myself being a super crafty person.  I have Pinterest to thank for making my condo a bit more like home and allowing me to pin things I know I’ll never do!  You can follow me here.  I have to admit, I pin some pretty amazing things.  So far, I’ve done a few recipes and have some ideas for Easter, but one of the things I was most excited about was dinner plates.

When I moved back to the condo, I had two plates and two bowls to my name.  That’s it.  It was pretty depressing.  I guess that is all I need because it is just me, but my cabinets were lacking…things. So, I found this idea on Pinterest.  She was just doing Halloween place settings but I figured I would make them my every day plate.  It’s a very easy project.

First, I got a 16 piece dinnerware set for $19.00.  The plates were all white.

Then I got porcelain markers from Michaels.  They were $9.00 for 4.  The set of all black markers were sold out, but I think I am happy that I got bright colors.

Then I had to decide what I wanted to write on them.  I first thought of my all time favorite song, “Imagine” by John Lennon.  I got blue masking tape and made straight lines.  If I messed up, the marker would come off with just a wet paper towel.  This is how my first plate turned out.

The smaller plate and bowl have the same “theme”

I then let the plates dry for 24 hours and baked them at 300 degrees for 35 minutes and now I have new dinner plates that are very “me”!

My other plates have to deal with Camp Boggy Creek, of course!

One plate has to deal with Hope and is the poem “Hope” by Emily Dickinson

And then a quote from Winne The Pooh

Overall, I love them!  I think I will smile when I see them and think of those good things that I have in my life!

So, I’m ready for dinner guests! Thanks for stoppin’ by!

Right now, I definitely feel like I’m the “little girl  in the middle of the ride” (just like the song – if you didn’t get it..)

Some days I’m in that very anxious state when I hear the click, click, click of going up the roller coaster.  I don’t know what’s next.  Then, I’m going down, twists, turns, loop-de-loops.  I’m laughing, screaming, tears in my eyes, shaking, wanting it to end but not wanting it to end, and hoping I don’t throw up on anyone.

I am moving back to the condo where I was before.  I am very thankful that I have family.  I considered buying a house but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that I wanted to do that with a family someday.  I want to settle down somewhere and that place may not be Daytona Beach.  So, I am going to settle back into the condo.

Okay, I am going to settle.  Not that I am now.  Holy moly thats a lot of boxes.  You should see my office.  Actually, you shouldn’t so I am not going to post pictures on here of that disaster!

So, my wonderful momma got me very cute bedding to go with the new bedroom set I bought for the condo.  It’s all very beachy.  I have done a few more things today but didn’t take pictures.  Here’s the new furniture with very little extras.

I added a few more beachy things today.  Still wanting to paint the walls, just not sure what color to do?  Suggestions (and volunteer painters) welcome!

I got a few things for the living room, too.  Well, a lift-top coffee table and matching end tables.  There’s still a lot of work to be done in there, too.  I like my tables

The door is a project that will be completed sometime soon!

I am very glad that I got rid of so much junk when I moved out of here not long ago.  It made unpacking a lot easier.  I had to buy a lot of basic things again, but was happy I didn’t have “junk” to find places for.

Stay tuned for more pictures as it becomes more lived in…and maybe a furry little critter will join soon, too!

 

Welcome back.  Once again, it’s been about a year since I’ve signed on here.  Once again, I am in the same spot as I usually seem to be when I post the most.  Welcome back to “Amanda’s not so simple life”. More loss.  More heartbreak.  More tears.  More fears.  More unknown.

Welcome back.

Earlier today, I wanted to get on here and do a quick update.  Get this thing rolling again.  I didn’t really know what to say.  Do I catch you up on the last year?  Do I just start writing today and assume you’ll know everything that has happened?  Do I write about my day or just something random.

I was doing laundry (well, kinda…).  It’s currently sitting in huge piles on my bed.  It’s NOT my favorite thing in the world.  I was asked, “What’s your favorite?” Does anyone just have 1?  I don’t.

1. My family.  Every stinkin’ one of ‘em!

2. My camp.

3. Dancing.

4.  Writing in my journal and reading.

5.  Simplicity The way rain looks on leaves.

6. And nature.

So, I’m sorry laundry.  You didn’t make it to the list this year.  Try again another time.

What’s your favorite?  Think about it…I hope it makes you smile.

I don’t think it would be a surprise to anyone to say that my last month has been very hard.  Similar to being stuck in any of the challenges from Fear Factor, for 30 days.

Being alone and hurt on my birthday,  the end of a very important relationship, dealing with new and  “interesting” coworkers, being at the Emergency Room alone and being sick, and my papaw being in and out of the hospital without a reason why has all stretched me thin.  I was frustrated.  The more I tried to get myself on track, the more I’d fall back.

Well, apparently, whoever is in control of destiny just doesn’t feel I’ve had enough.

My momma called today and a very special lady, Irene, just found out she has cancer.

Irene has been my mom’s best friend for years.  She is honestly one of the sweetest most caring people I have ever met in my life.  I think everyone knows how I feel about cancer, it’s probably pretty similar to how you feel about it.  Cancer sucks (for a lack of a better term).  I am hoping Irene beats it.  I know she can.

Some more bad news was dropped on my yesterday.   I don’t handle death well.  I have never agreed with this stupid war we are fighting.  It scares me.  On my birthday, I went out with my friend, Jen and Lauren, and for the first time Lauren’s brother Keith came along. He was on leave from Afghanistan for a few weeks.  He was a funny guy.  His wife was also with us.

It was a pretty bad night.   Not because of the company, they were great and a lot of fun, but  I would be going to that previously mentioned ER trip about 12 hours after this.  Well,  Keith went back to Afghanistan and on Thursday, April 7th, his unit was attacked and this war took another soldier.

It’s painful to see.  I was just laughing with him and his wife and sister a few weeks ago.  It isn’t fair.

There is that saying, “God wont put you through anything you can’t handle”.  Well, I’m not huge into religion, I don’t really know what’s out there, but I wonder how much I truly can handle.  It’s hard.

I’m hoping my adventures in the next few weeks will turn things around and I’ll have more of a positive outlook on life.

Until then, thank you for your service Keith! Kick cancers ass Irene!  Feel better soon Papaw!

My cousin and her kids are coming (plus her friend, and two more little ones!). I’m excited to see them! It’s gonna be a great day for the beach!

“As I sit here surrounded, by people and lights”.  I’m surrounded.  I’m not alone.  I have my family.  I have my friends.  I have my camp.  I have been doing things for me.  I have been spoiling myself and Chance.  I have been planning things and meeting new people.  There is still a hole.  There is still something missing.

I think that happiness that others bring can only take you so far.  I don’t know really how I’m supposed to feel “whole” again.  I can’t see an end in sight.  It hurts. No matter how good my day is going, or how much I can possibly fit into my day to keep my mind occupied, I feel empty.  There’s a big piece of me missing and I can’t get it back.

 

 

I see a fish…maybe it’s a barracuda.  He’s dangerously close to eating the Ninja bear all the way to the left of the picture.  What do you see?

The sunsets are so beautiful here.  As Chance was admiring the clouds with me on my porch tonight, me with a rum and coke, him with some cat nip…a hawk started swooping down.  I quickly realized he wasn’t putting on a “Look I’m a bird, look at all these cool flight moves I can make” show.  Chance noticed it at the same time.  I screamed. Chance escaped inside.   Terrifying!  I hate birds.  Hate ‘em!

In other exciting news.  I booked a flight today to my sister graduation.  I am going to try to go to Camp next weekend and if there are no openings…wait for it…I’m going to be leaving on a jet plane – and going home! I think that’s the kind of healing I need right now, because nothing else seems to be working.