I don’t think it would be a surprise to anyone to say that my last month has been very hard.  Similar to being stuck in any of the challenges from Fear Factor, for 30 days.

Being alone and hurt on my birthday,  the end of a very important relationship, dealing with new and  “interesting” coworkers, being at the Emergency Room alone and being sick, and my papaw being in and out of the hospital without a reason why has all stretched me thin.  I was frustrated.  The more I tried to get myself on track, the more I’d fall back.

Well, apparently, whoever is in control of destiny just doesn’t feel I’ve had enough.

My momma called today and a very special lady, Irene, just found out she has cancer.

Irene has been my mom’s best friend for years.  She is honestly one of the sweetest most caring people I have ever met in my life.  I think everyone knows how I feel about cancer, it’s probably pretty similar to how you feel about it.  Cancer sucks (for a lack of a better term).  I am hoping Irene beats it.  I know she can.

Some more bad news was dropped on my yesterday.   I don’t handle death well.  I have never agreed with this stupid war we are fighting.  It scares me.  On my birthday, I went out with my friend, Jen and Lauren, and for the first time Lauren’s brother Keith came along. He was on leave from Afghanistan for a few weeks.  He was a funny guy.  His wife was also with us.

It was a pretty bad night.   Not because of the company, they were great and a lot of fun, but  I would be going to that previously mentioned ER trip about 12 hours after this.  Well,  Keith went back to Afghanistan and on Thursday, April 7th, his unit was attacked and this war took another soldier.

It’s painful to see.  I was just laughing with him and his wife and sister a few weeks ago.  It isn’t fair.

There is that saying, “God wont put you through anything you can’t handle”.  Well, I’m not huge into religion, I don’t really know what’s out there, but I wonder how much I truly can handle.  It’s hard.

I’m hoping my adventures in the next few weeks will turn things around and I’ll have more of a positive outlook on life.

Until then, thank you for your service Keith! Kick cancers ass Irene!  Feel better soon Papaw!

My cousin and her kids are coming (plus her friend, and two more little ones!). I’m excited to see them! It’s gonna be a great day for the beach!

“As I sit here surrounded, by people and lights”.  I’m surrounded.  I’m not alone.  I have my family.  I have my friends.  I have my camp.  I have been doing things for me.  I have been spoiling myself and Chance.  I have been planning things and meeting new people.  There is still a hole.  There is still something missing.

I think that happiness that others bring can only take you so far.  I don’t know really how I’m supposed to feel “whole” again.  I can’t see an end in sight.  It hurts. No matter how good my day is going, or how much I can possibly fit into my day to keep my mind occupied, I feel empty.  There’s a big piece of me missing and I can’t get it back.

 

 

I see a fish…maybe it’s a barracuda.  He’s dangerously close to eating the Ninja bear all the way to the left of the picture.  What do you see?

The sunsets are so beautiful here.  As Chance was admiring the clouds with me on my porch tonight, me with a rum and coke, him with some cat nip…a hawk started swooping down.  I quickly realized he wasn’t putting on a “Look I’m a bird, look at all these cool flight moves I can make” show.  Chance noticed it at the same time.  I screamed. Chance escaped inside.   Terrifying!  I hate birds.  Hate ‘em!

In other exciting news.  I booked a flight today to my sister graduation.  I am going to try to go to Camp next weekend and if there are no openings…wait for it…I’m going to be leaving on a jet plane – and going home! I think that’s the kind of healing I need right now, because nothing else seems to be working.

 

Kinda like my life…

It’s funny how a simple act of kindness can bring such a calm.  I complained to “my” maintenance man (aka: my bodyguard) that my neighbors were smoking and it was coming into my unit and making me sick.  He said, “Put a rubber gasket on your door”.  I thought, “Dang, I hate smokers, I have to buy stuff because of their nasty habit!”  Well, maybe it’s cause I’m super sweet, or the youngest person here, or just plain awesome, but I came home today to this…

My door is now has “bling” like my car!  My A/C Room and the Room to my Condo are sealed air tight! Thanks Les!

Central Florida had tornado watches all day.  I drove home and still hadn’t seen a drop of rain.  I turned on the news to hear that the storms were coming.  I thought…”It’ll be okay, I ain’t scared of no stinkin’ storm…(scared of spiders, snakes, and the dark – but I ain’t scared of no storm)!  Now, being 17 stories up, let me tell you, a slight breeze can sound like a Category 13 (yep, that’s right) hurricane.

I went into my bedroom and saw this…

The next thing I knew,  I was on the phone having the following conversation “Chance, get in the bathroom.”

“Hello?”

“No, sorry, Chance come here!”

-Quiet

“How does it look there, should I hide in my bathroom.  What’s safer staying up here or going to the ground floor”.

Thankfully by the time I stopped freakin’ out, the storm passed.

This is the calm after the storm.  I can honestly say, since having a few pep talks with myself and doing more “me” things, I feel like I’m reaching the calm after the storm.  I don’t know what the “calm” will bring, but I am starting to feel like it’s going to be just fine, whatever it is.

Today, I am smiling.

So, I became really frustrated today.  I couldn’t think of what to write on here.  Writing really does make me feel so much better.  I googled “Monday blog hops” and it seems all blogs are about being a mommy, being a wife, almost being a mommy, collecting coupons, and did I mention being a mommy?

It seems like everyone is in love!  Yeah, yeah, I’m happy for you.  I don’t want to read about it all the time.Maybe that makes me sound really selfish.  Oh well, moving on.  I did find a cute and fun blog to link back to…and it has questions!

**I couldn’t figure out how to get the icon to work this time!  Go visit, Never Growing Old if you wanna play “Meet Me Monday”, too!

1.  Crunchy or soft tacos?

Soft tacos.  You know, my favorite food used to be spaghetti.  Now, I think I could eat tacos every day for the rest of my life.  It can be cheap ole Taco Bell or Moes.  Even Chance likes Moes!

2.  Do you scrapbook?

I used to scrap book. I have a closet full of pictures and empty scrap books.  My first ever scrap book I completed after a trip to Europe.  I used a lot of pipe cleaners and foam stickers.  It’s pretty bad now that I go back and look at it.  If I had more time, I would definitely scrap book, because my closet is ridiculous!

 

3.  Do you take any daily medications?

Yep.  I don’t want a rug rat right now

 

4.  What is your favorite sound?

The ocean.  I love waking up and hearing the waves crashing on the shore.  I can hear them now, actually.   It’s so very peaceful.

 

5.  Where were you born?

Right here in good ole Daytona Beach.  You don’t often meet a native Floridian.  Sure I left for quite awhile (18 years), but I found my way back

The weather is perfect.  It’s not too hot and there is a nice breeze coming from the ocean.  I don’t take the time to stretch.  I just go.  The salty air stings my already chapped lips.  I don’t know how far I’m going to go.  I just want to run.

I pass the spring breakers, throwing Frisbees near a group of girls to give them a reason to talk.  I pass little kids splashing in the water without a care in the world.  I pass old couples walking hand in hand. I pass runners like me and I wonder if they are trying to clear their mind.  Like  me.

The waves crash.  I feel at ease.  It’s the first time I have felt a sense of peace in weeks.  I start to wonder my purpose. I start to question why.  All of the advice runs through my mind.  Move on.  You don’t need that.  Write your own history.  Don’t give up on something that you believe in.  It will work out.  Let go.

I start to think about myself.  I don’t need to look for someone.  I am ready for him to find me.  It will happen. Just give it time and don’t force it.  My day will come.  I think of my friends.  It seems everyone is in love. Everyone has found “that one”.  Why not me?  What am I doing wrong?  I know I can be independent and I can make it on my own, but it doesn’t mean I want to.  I’m 25.  What do I want?  What do I need? I always thought things would be different for me at 25. Not like this.

The tears fill my eyes.  I blink fast.  I run harder. Don’t think.  Just run.

I make up my mind to let things happen as they will.  I make up my mind to respect myself and maintain my dignity, because when it comes down to it, all you have is you.

My legs start to hurt.  My breathing is getting heavier.  I push on because I’d much rather feel this pain then the pain I have felt recently.  I turn around and head home.  I start to feel the same, now almost constant feeling of anxiety and hurt.  I don’t want things to be this way.

I get closer to home.  I collapse in the sand and let the water cool me down.  I wish I could just let go.

Think about the last time you ran.  How far did you get before you were breathing hard and really making your body work?  Now think about the last time you were sitting n the couch.  I bet your breathing was much different.  Imagine if it was the same.  Imagine you were gasping for air and doing nothing but sitting and spending time with family.

I couldn’t imagine.  Many of you know that I volunteer at “the best place on earth” – Camp Boggy Creek.  One of the weekends that I was there was dedicated to heart patients, some of the strongest children I will ever meet.  They are truly amazing.  The first time I was there for heart weekend, I was assigned to a teenage girl.  I ended up taking her and her best friend, Victoria, under my wing that weekend.  It was a great weekend, mostly because they were AWESOME campers.

That was the only time I was able to be there designated PAL because they “aged out” of camp and went on with their life.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t keep in contact.  Unfortunately,  I started to see Vickie posting on facebook that things weren’t going well.  She was having a hard time catching her breath, her pink lips were turning blue again, and she was losing weight.

Victoria got her very first lung transplant on August 20, 2002.  When I met her in 2007, you would have never thought she had a lung transplant.  We ran around camp, danced the night away, and did an awesome rendition of “Summer Love” during the talent show.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t very long after that when Victoria started having problems again.  It’s hard not to ask “Why her?” or “Why ANY child?”  Luckily, Victoria got another transplant on July 4, 2010.  A very special Independence Day, within a few days she was back on facebook to tell her friends and family how good it was to breathe again.  She was doing great and she was so thankful for the donor family.  They gave her another shot.

On November 10, 2010, Victoria posted an update.  It stated, “I have primary graft failure. My latest transplant was not a success. I need a 3rd transplant.”  Tears filled my eyes. I kept reading.  “I will and can’t get any better, I will get worse and worse till I wont be here anymore.”   Thankfully, her records are being sent to Duke University and in the words of this strong girl, “We are not giving up and not taking no for an answer.”

At the end of Victoria’s post she apologized to her donor family.  I know she wanted nothing more than to prove to that family that the donation that they gave her would provide a new life. What are the chances of getting a third lung transplant?  Honestly, I never wanted to be an organ donor for juvenile reasons.  After meeting Victoria, I changed my mind.

Now, there are two very important red words are on my license. Are you an Organ Donor?

Stay strong Vicki!  I love you girl!!!

It’s that time again.  It’s time for you to find out five more things you were just dyin’ to know about me.  Of course, thanks to Mama M, you now get to know

1. What is your worst memory of your siblings?

I don’t have many memories of growing up with my brother.  He was out of the house by the time I was about 7 or so…

But my sister…too many to list.  No, just kidding. Maybe.  There was that time that she poo’d in the bathtub.  At least, I think that was her.  Or what about the time she sprayed the TV with the water hose? Way to go, Jen!  You made our TV make a farting noise every time it turned on.  But, wait, there was that time that time that she stole my boyfriend in highschool.  Thanks!  Thank goodness babies can’t retain memories, because I have heard horror stories about her singing “Amanda” to me.  She would steal my pacifier and start singing. When I would start to scream she would put the plug back in.  How rude!

2. What was YOUR naughtiest childhood memory? (Must be something YOU did, no pawning it off on someone else!)

What is childhood?  When I was 15, Me and Meg got into dad’s liquor cabinet and drank wayyy too much Jose Cuervo. Please excuse me while I go throw up.

Okay, I’m back.

There was also the time that me and Jen found our Christmas presents in mom’s closet. It was her idea, Mom!

Or that time, I set the grass on fire under my playhouse.  I picked leaves and grass from all over the yard and covered up the big spot.  I don’t think anyone ever found out.

For the most part, I was a really good kid though.

3. Where do you like to go to relax?

Early mornings at Boggy Creek. I like to get up before the kids are up and sit by the lake.  It’s my way of getting back to the basics.

Or maybe here.  Out on the lake.  Fishin’ with my daddy, which usually includes me falling asleep on the boat while dad reels in all of the fish.

Or just right outside my door.. I love the sand and the waves and the sun.

4. What was the last thing you won?

Jeremy’s heart.  Aww.  Wait, don’t leave.  I wont get mushy like that again.  Maybe.

I can’t really remember the last thing I won.  How sad.

5. If you could be on a game show, which would you choose?

Oh, definitely Legends of the Hidden Temple from Nickelodeon.  I would absolutely kick ass at the “Shrine of the Silver Monkey”.  Olmec would fall apart watching me run through that temple.  “You got the Magnavox CD Player, you got the moon shoes, and you are going to Space Camp”!

In 2007, I was a member of the “Silver Snakes” for Halloween. Man, I miss that show!

Alright, that’s it for this Friday!  Hope ya’ll have an excellent weekend!!

It’s Thursday so that means I would usually be doing a Thank You Thursday post. I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Things in my life are going really great right now and there are several reasons for that, but one in particular.

Today, I took Chance to the Humane Society to chop off…er…neuter him. I have been feeling kinda sick lately and it doesn’t help that I am a girl and my emotions are going crazy right about now.

No, I am not thankful for any of those things. Keep reading my followers! I may digress but I’m a girl and am unable to tell a story in two sentences.

When I was leaving Chance behind I started to get teary eyed. Chance was meowing and giving me a horrible look. Then there were those guys that had the pit bulls that were bullying my poor kitten.

I wish I could have thrown a shoe at your dumb dogs.

They asked if I was giving Chance back. My reply, “No, he’s just getting neutered”. Of course, it didn’t sound like that at all. It was barely audible. I absolutely lost it. I am sure the Humane Society had second thoughts about letting this unstable girl adopt a cat.

So, back to what I am thankful for today… I got in my car and dried my eyes. I questioned if I really felt like going into work or if I wanted to work from home. I put my foot on the break and the keys in the ignition and looked down. I saw the “fortune cookie” that Jeremy made for me a few weeks ago.

**Tangent alert** Thanks to Green Tea Chinese place for forgetting to put Fortune Cookies in our bag…two times! No, really thanks…’cause I got a home-made one that is better than any one you could give me.

Ahem, so as I was saying. I looked down at this fortune cookie. I put it in my car so I am reminded of how lucky I am. Instantly, it made me smile. He has a way of doing that. When I least expect it. I smile when he is around and when he isn’t. For that, I am very thankful that he is a part of my life and that he has let me in his.

I don’t think I’ll be able to post this next part this weekend. Tonight is as good as ever, though. On May 8, it will be 11 years since my mamaw Ruby passed away. My family illegally spread her ashes at Blue Springs.

Did you know you have to have a permit to spread ashes?? We didn’t…

I plan on going by there Saturday to visit. I still miss her more than words can express. I can’t help but to think that I wish she was here now, more than ever. I wish I could introduce her to some people. I wish I could sit down with her and write down all those stories she used to tell me. I wish I could have one more day with her. I’d ask her to tell me about the barefoot mailman, the time she lived in a cave in Arizona or in the mountains of Tennessee. I’d ask her to teach me how to attract bats and how to wrap Christmas presents. I’d thank her for the panda painting or the little notes she used to mail me. I’d thank her for coming to school to tell us stories and thank her for bringing us Meg-Meg. I’d like to sit down at a camp fire and read over the letters she wrote to my papaw while he was in the Korean War. I’d soak up every minute and remember. I want to share those stories with my family one day. I just wish I could remember more. Of course, I would hug her one more time…maybe even sing some Billy Ray Cyrus. I am going out there Saturday to sit for a minute and “talk” and reconnect with “Swampwoman” It’s going to be special for me for many reasons. I really can’t wait.

By the way, Chance is healing up well. I thought that maybe takin’ away those boy parts would make him calmer. They told me to keep his still for 7-10 days. Ha! The anesthesia has worn off and he is absolutely crazy right now.